Pet Peeves of the 30+ Crowd

This year I turned 31. Now, while that is great and all, it made me realize I'm no longer considered a "young adult.” Nope, now I'm just old. Heartbreaking, I know, but I'm ok. Now that I'm old, I think it's time I talk about some pet peeves of the 30+ crowd.

1.     Guest appearance on “To Catch a Predator.”

Stop dating people who are 8-10 years young than you. Ok I know people are going to say, “you can't help who fall in love with," but in actuality, you can. There should be no reason you’re 35 and your significant other is 24. Where could y’all have possibly met, the playground? I mean, they still have to use their parent’s information on their FAFSA. If the government doesn't think they are old enough to make decisions on their own, that's a good indication you shouldn't be dating them. Matter of you're not dating, you’re babysitting. So now you go out to dinner and the waitress ask you if you want a kids’ menu for your little sister and you have to explain that she's your date not your little sister. Now you look like a predator. There was a whole show for people like you called, "To Catch a Predator." It was very popular for a reason. So tell me what you two could possibly have in common? You are trying to watch HGTV trying to decorate your home and she's talking about how much she loves Dora the Explorer and how she hates how Swipper and his damn swiping habits.

2.     Say what now?

Stop using every new slang term. Sweet baby Jesus if this isn't the most annoying thing ever. I say "so what do you do for work?" You reply with "I be banging at trap house flipping the bando cus the shits on fleek.” Now I'm standing there looking confused and ready to fight because I'm not sure what you just said but I'm pretty sure you insulted my mama. Your vocabulary shouldn't sound like an unfinished puzzle on Wheel of Fortune when you’re trying to sound out the puzzle and buy a vowel. Clearly hooked on phonics wasn't your friend.

3.     Do you need a mirror?

Stop dressing like your auditioning for the strip club. Don’t get me wrong, if your profession is a lady of the night, then by all means do you, boo. However, if your job title is Administrative Assistant and you walk into work looking like you are about to drop it low while answering the phones, I am going to need you to go home and change. Yes, I am judging you and I can guarantee I’m not the only one. Since we are on the topic of dressing inappropriately, could men over the age of 3 please stop wearing skinny jeans? I’m just a tad concern for your health sir. Your clothing shouldn’t be so tight that you constantly look like you are about to pass out. 

3.You look like a science project

Can someone please tell me when these quick “lose weight” gimmicks became so popular? Did I miss the memo? Now, I am no skinty mini, I am a part of the plus size curvy crew so there is no shade in me writing this. I am just over seeing people walk around and  they look like a science project. Yep I said it; you look like a science project from the Magic School Bus TV show. I recently witnessed a friend trying to put on one of those Waist trainers things and that had to be the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. At one point, I was pretty sure that she was going to pass out. She was sweating, and cursing and had to lie down. Once she got it on she looked like a Chinese Finger trap. Then she had the nerve to say, “baby this waist is snatched.” Umm… No ma’am, it is not.   Anything that makes you want to pass out when you are putting it on isn’t a good thing. And that’s not the craziest thing I’ve seen either. Now people are wrapping themselves in saran wrap looking like BBQ left overs. The madness must stop. Hey ladies, here is a helpful tip. If you want your waist “snatched” and want a less giggle in your jangle, then maybe you should do things that naturally get you that way. Like going to the gym, eating right, and putting forth an effort to look better. Stop walking around looking like you are an extra in a Sci-Fi movie.

5. You named your baby what?

Ok, so I am not even sure where to begin on how the subject of baby names highly irritates me.  Not because I don’t like children, because I really do. Well, I like them until the age of 4 but that that subject is for another post. Anyways, I digress. Let us get back to the subject at hand.  Unacceptable baby names that somehow people think are cute.

Now, before y’all get ready to defend your baby’s name that only you can pronounce, let me state that I am not picking on your little “precious little darling.” Well, that’s a lie because I am. Even though I don’t have children of my own I believe that the name that you chose for your child has to go through an approval process. A grand jury process, for example. The rules would be simple. As soon as you found out you were going to have a baby, you would submit a list of name that you like and they would have to be voted on before you could name your baby said name. It would prevent naming children things like Laguna, Lasagna, Apple, Blue, Purple, Tapioca, Zyrtec, and so on. Please tell me at what point in the baby naming process did you think that naming your child after emotions, food and anything else tacky? Do you not know how bad it sounds to introduce your child in daycare as “little Hacienda” then they have to spend time explaining to their employers on how to pronounce their name and it ends up sounding like a game of Charades.

All I can say is Fix it Jesus.

-JT

#LaurieTalk is On!

One half of DGV now has her on YouTube channel. Make sure to check it out!

You may now kiss the Groom

I was always taught at women were just as strong as men, and though we can do anything they can do we still need to let a man be a man at times. Well when you’re 8 you have no idea what that means. Well now at the tender age of 30 I completely understand what my mother meant by that. Here is where my question lies, when is a woman being “too much” of a man?

Recently I saw a video on Facebook , where a woman was proposing to her man. And hunny child when I say he was more concerned with that watered down drink then her proposal , trust me it was a sight . "Girl, if you don't get your behind up off that floor. You're letting your desperate show." I must say it made every part of my plus size body irritated with anger. However, this is not a new trend. Nope.

For those of you who watch Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, you will remember that Josaline ask Steebie J to marry her. I thought it was the most insane idea then and I sure as heck think this it's crazy now.   Now, I know that we live in a time in the world where gender roles are slowly disappearing and a lot of things are now acceptable. However, when it comes to a woman proposing, to me that is where I feel that we need to still be old fashion.

Are we so bent on getting out of past that we turn the last standing tradition thing into a mockery? Call me old fashion, call me stuck in the past, but I think there is something wonderful about a man asking his woman to marry him.  You new age women can say that it is nothing wrong with asking a man to marry you but answer me this: don’t  you think that if he wanted to marry you he would have ask you? I'm pretty sure Beyonce said, "if he liked it then should have put a ring on it?" Here's the secret: that song didn't mention you should do it for him.

I am in no way being shady. I am just saying, Do you think that if you tell your girlfriends that you ask your man to marry you that you somehow become queen bee? What else are you going to do to let your desperate show even more? Are you buying your own engagement ring? Will you also be paying for the whole wedding as well? So let me get this right, you go out and spend money on your man who treats you more like his part time chick and you ask him to marry you? His response is “aight, let's do that then." How tacky is that?  

Are you that desperate for a man that you have to beg one to marry you. No, boo boo. Don't do that. But like Kermit says, "That ain't none of my business."

Black Girl Pet Peeves

Well, my friends, it is rant time. Point blank, period. Really, here are the common black girl pet peeves face  in everyday lives. My apologies if it sounds too rough. Just kidding. Take it all in.

1.       “I Don’t Date Black Girls”

Well, for starters, why? Did you have a bad experience with one? Was she a “ratchet”? Was she “too ghetto”? I like to hear both sides of the story. 

Ok, first and foremost, if you getting a girl mad, of any race, she will become your definition of ghetto. Men, be smart and don’t give a reason for a woman to be mad. Once you make her mad, a light switch will be turned on to do deceptive things. If you keep switching from one race to another, you’re going to end up liking men instead. Grow up and act like a man. Love is found when you least accept it; no matter what race she or he may be.

 Secondly, Not all black women are ghetto and immature. Most black women have their business together and don’t have time for childish games. If a black woman is being a little “off” towards you, maybe it’s because you’re being immature, simple as that. Not every woman is like the Housewives of Atlanta where drama is what keeps the show running. Most of us are chill, laid back, strong, driven, and will accomplish anything they put their minds towards. Maybe that intimidates you.

 It takes two people to make a relationship work. If you keep attracting trash, then it may be time to look at YOURSELF and not the race you’re dating. Do you really think things will change with another girl? Nope, because it is you. You aren’t changing. Do you really think love and a good relationship are based off the color of someone’s skin and only that? Are you dating just to date or trying to find a wife one day? Who says, “I love her because she is white. She has a horrible personality and kicks kids in the face but I still love her.” WTF. I’m calling your momma. Takes some time to really find the qualities you want in your feature wife. And if you’re not looking to get married, stop dating.

 

2.       “You Act White”

I act white? How so? Because I talk differently than the black girl from the south? Because I don’t always wear a weave in my hair? The list can go on and on.

Usually when I hear this, I try to laugh and sweep it under the rug but it’s kind of offensive. How would you like it if I said, “You don’t act like a red neck, you act more normal”

 People are the product of their environment. In one culture, it may be the norm to talk a certain way and have certain “family styles.” (Every race can have a baby daddy. Just saying.)  I didn’t know white people got to claim acting like one way versus another. I know I’m not from the hood but that doesn’t make me less black than Tupac. (He’s still alive by the way.) Don’t be rude.

 

3.       “You Have a Normal Name for a Black Girl”

How do you know your name is not normal? Do you have a rule book to naming children? Because, if so, let me see that and pass that out to every expecting mother. How would it feel if I pointed out the fact that you’re a guy with a girl’s name? How does that feel? A person has a name for a reason. Granted, I wouldn’t name my daughter Twerkeisha but maybe that name has a certain meaning to another lady. I don’t know what meaning it is but your kid is cute. Let me hold little Twerkeisha.

 

4.       “You’re Pretty for a Black Girl”

Glad to know you think black people are generally ugly. I just think everything about you is ugly in general. On to the next.

 

5.       “How Many Kids Do You Have?”

Ok, kids! Story time! I had a guy randomly hit on me as I was walking to my car. He bugged me for my number. I was tired and didn’t want to punch him in the face that night so I gave him my number. After him texting me a couple of times, he then proceeds to ask me, “How many kids do you have?” Not, “Do you have any kids?” or “Do you take care of any kids at this present moment?” but just full blown assumed that I had kids. After I called him out, he tried to play it off like, “Oh well since you’re so pretty, I’m surprised you’re not wifed up and have 2-3 kids.” That man was so happy he was not talking to me in person that day.

 

Just because I’m a 26-year-old black woman does not mean I have kids. I made sure not to have kids at a young age. It wasn’t that hard for me. I know more people from my high school who had kids early (some of which are amazing moms) and are mostly white. Being black does not mean the minute I get my high school diploma, or even before that, I am going to have a kid suddenly appear in my arms because that’s the way of life for a woman like me. Nope.

 

Look at Teen Mom on MTV. How many black young mothers are on there? (Oh, Teen Mom. You guilty pleasure, you.) And just to defend the young mothers out there, some of these kids were planned. These kids are not an accident and some people really do want to become young mothers. Change your way of thinking and stop being ignorant.

 

(Don't get mad at the MJ meme. I'm a huge fan of his.)

That’s all I have right now. What do you face every day? Just remember that every woman, not matter what race she may be, is amazing. Everyone woman should be treated like the royalty she is. Don’t settle for less, ladies. One day, these boys will turn into men. God Bless! -Laurie

Yeah, I’m Pretty sure Jesus is judging you.

I have grown up in the church my entire life and understand and acknowledge the etiquette rules that it involves. Now, before I start my rant, please know that I am not, “super churcher” nor am I claiming to be. I love church, I love Jesus and I believe that you need both to live a happy life.  As a child, I was in every church program, choir, and activity there was. My mom made sure I knew my books of the bible and I understood who God was and what church really meant.  Well, when you are little, you know that if you’re not good in church, there are going to be consequences and repercussions when you get home that you DON’T want to deal with.

However,  once you become an adult, you begin to test the lines against what is allowed in church. Now some things you can get away with, however, some things are going to get you pushed to the back of the line in heaven.  I mean, we’ve all been there in some way shape or form of testing the church rules, but some of y’all need to be kicked out and told not to come back until you learn some manners.

 

5. Thou shall NOT show up to church in your club clothes.

This is self explanatory. If you were screaming, "TWERK TEAM" in the club on Saturday in that dress, don’t try to add some Bath and Body Work body spray  to hide the liquor smell then try ushering in it on Sunday.  And since we are on the subject of clothing, stop wearing clothes so tight I can see your heart beat. This is church, not the strip club. My mother always told me, "The Sun Shine Rule” which is, “if the sun doesn’t see it neither should I”.   Jesus sees you and I smell you. Don’t do this.

4. Hooked on Phonics didn’t really work that well for you. Sorry to hear that.

If reading really isn’t your strongest point in life, that’s ok. Just stop volunteering to read out loud during Sunday service. No, I’m not judging. I understand that reading isn’t the easiest thing to do at times but watching you sound out, “Choir rehearsal is Thursday at 7”and it somehow it sounds like, “chir hersal is Thirsty at seevem” is painful. Just stick to maybe only reading at home.

3. Stop asking for seconds during communion

This is a holy time in which we reverence God and what Jesus did for us. This is not an all you can eat buffet. You do not get to ask the usher if you can order a sandwich and a large drink since they seem to be handing out snacks. You also do not get “extra points” if you eat more than one serving. Stop giving the usher dirty looks when they say that you can only have one serving. Also stop asking why they don’t have more then bread and juice. Who raised you? Just know Jesus sees you and is probably judging you.   

2.  Its Praise and Worship, NOT American Idol auditions

You are standing up there, the lights are on you, and you are in the moment. Next thing you know, you’re pushing people out the way to stand in front to sing in the best voice you can, “Yes, Jesus Loves Me.”  You are singing loud and giving it your all thinking Jesus can clearly tell that he should love you more than the backup singers you have.  Ma’am, if you don’t take your overzealous behind ten steps back and join the rest of the praise singers... This is not an American Idol try out.  If you sing the loudest, you do not get to move to round 2. You do not get to move to the front of the line in heaven. This is Sunday morning service. Calm down quick, fast, and in a hurry.  You will however get judged by your fellow praise team with dirty looks and the possibility to get kicked out the group.  

1.       Stop making club songs into church songs!

This by far is the most disrespectful thing you can do and trust and believe Jesus and his crew is judging you hard core. Matter of fact, you now are being moved to the back of the line in heaven. We are talking the very end of the line.  Just because you added Jesus somewhere in the song DOES NOT MAKE IT A CHURCH SONG.  There is a reason everyone isn’t classified as a gospel artist. That’s because they don’t make gospel songs. There is no reason that the choir should be singing “I like big halo’s and I cannot lie, these other brothers can deny; when angels  walk in with a little bitty waist and a halo in your face you get sprung.” We should not be singing 50 Cent’s “Many Men” on Easter just because it fits with the situation at hand.  Ciara’s "Body Party" should not be turned into a offering song .  NO, stop it! You don’t hear rappers remixing  “Jesus loves me.”  That’s because it isn’t a rap song. So the rule is simple; if you hear it in the club it shouldn’t be in the church.

SO until we meet again, remember that it is not ok to turn church into the new club….. Stop it.

---Jennifer 

"Titles for 100 please, Alec"

As Valentine’s Day vastly approached and left us, I am once again alone. Now, before everyone hits me with the, "don't worry, your Mr. Right is out there!" I am not sad about being alone. Shocking, I know. However, it is true. For the record, I am not a bitter Betty hating couples who will be flaunted their love at Red Lobster during Crab Fest. You see it's not Valentine’s Day that confuses me, it's the other 364 days while dating that I slightly have an issue with. Ha-ha, ok now that sentence makes me sound like I'm going to say, "men are dogs" and go in to some sort of rant. Well, that is not the case. The reason for my confusion comes down to titles, or the lack there of.

You see, dating in this day and age is no longer something that is a yes or no question. However, it has turned into some sort of essay response on a game show.

When we were younger, it was simple: Either you were boyfriend/girlfriend or you weren't. Now in our present days, if you ask, "are you and so and so dating" the response is usually "well… it's complicated." This is where my confusion comes in. What is complicated about a relationship? Either you’re in one or you’re not. Plain and simple. You see, in a woman's mind, if she goes on more than 3 dates, she is now dating this man. Meaning she is on her way to earning the title of this girlfriend. Well clearly, not all men think the same way. Now who is right? Who is wrong? Well, actually both are right and wrong in their own way. So it leads to the question, when dealing with a relationship are titles important?

My answer is yes. Let me explain: A title sets boundaries and creates a mutual understanding of what is expected of the other person. Without these understandings, it creates conflict and confusion. I mean how awkward is it to be with someone, have all the benefits of a relationship, then get introduced to their friends as, "oh this is just the homie.” Say what now?  Are you really trying to get away with, “oh this is just the homie” speech with a woman that you haven’t established a title with? However, y’all have had the benefits of dating. I’m pretty sure the conversation will not go very well when trying to establish your status. There will be tears, probably objects being thrown and a sentence that will end it “I can’t stand your ass!”

 I am not sure why titles are so important to women, but they are. I guess it gives us a since of security knowing that we are claimed. Sad to say it puts in to perceptive how close we are to becoming the Mrs. In our parents and grandparents age, to call someone your significant other was an honor. In today’s world, to call someone your significant other says you now lame for some reason. Now, don’t get me wrong, titles are important to some men also. But majority of the “what are we” conversation is from a woman. So for the purpose of this post, I will write from a woman’s point of view.

As a woman, the doubt of certainty seems to be the biggest self esteem killer. I will use myself as an example. I was talking to, dating, whatever you want to call a guy for about 4 months and a title was never established and it drove me crazy. I mean we had dates, held hands, kissed, had great times together, but if you were to ask me to this day what we were, I couldn’t tell you. I mean, imagine my frustration when it came to trying to explain to friends what we were. “I mean I think we are dating, well, I’m not really sure.” In my mind, I was constantly auditioning to get the role of his girlfriend. Then when we stop talking as much, when the text stop coming and I got hit with the “I’m busy” excuses, I was convinced I had been replaced. Nothing feels worse than the feeling of thinking you weren’t good for someone.   

                Now please know in no way shape of form am I saying he is a bad guy for not titling us. Actually, it probably was a great thing; only because it allowed me understand things about me. Strange I know. Is a title even worth it though?

Until next time …

---Jennifer

Side Chick?

It's 2014 and somehow the term "side chick" has become an acceptable term. Where it came from? I'm really not sure, but I do hope that needs to be retired soon. If you are unfamiliar with the term side chick, let me school you real quick. It means mistress. Yep that’s it. No fancy long drawn out meaning. Just plain and simple, you dear friend are a mistress.

Now here is where I'm confused. When did saying, "I am ok with being the other woman" become acceptable?  Is it normal to say, “Oh I know he has a wife or girlfriend but I’m ok with it.” I was always taught that 2^nd best is not acceptable. I will admit that does sound harsh, yes, but it applies in so many situations. Now, I know I will probably have a few ladies that currently are the side chick, and may or may not know it. So when you read this don’t get mad at me, I mean if the shoe fits, wear it.

The most famous side chick currently is Olivia Pope from the TV show Scandal. Yep, a fictional character is the main reason that not only is the term side chick ok but so is the behavior. For those of you who don’t watch Scandal, first off, who doesn’t watch Scandal??? Secondly, what do you do on Thursday nights??? I digress. Ms. Olivia Pope, or for those who are avid Scandal watchers who call her Liv, is the ultimate side chick. She is the mistress of the President of the United States. Now let me explain: She is not just some floozy with a short skirt that got his attention, she is a powerful attorney in Washington, D.C. She has her own everything however, she just happens to be dating the President. I know it sounds tacky but the way it is portrayed on TV makes it seem like a wonderful love story.

More like star cross lovers that are meant to be together but circumstance keep them apart. So romantic, so heartfelt, so enduring, however are SO FAKE. Somehow the women that are real life side chicks now have the idea in their head that they are in the same position as Olivia and ‘their man” is meant to be with them but circumstance seems to keep them apart.

I am not sure what is sadder; that these women have unrealistic views of what a relationship is or that society makes them think that being the other woman is ok.

So I will present to you the 5 signs you might side chick:

5. You only get text messages never a phone call

So you mean to tell me that his signal is so bad that he can never answer his phone? Like ever? But as soon as you hang up you get the text that says “hey babe signal is bad.” Where is he at, Timbuktu? Now, don’t get me wrong. I have AT&T and service with them often is touch and go but it’s still pretty good. Really sir, what service do you have?

          4. You are only allowed to go on dates at night

Now I know majority of dates happen at night. However if your “date” is at 11pm and he is taking you get a slice of pizza at the local trucker stop 25 miles outside of the city, that my dear is not a date but an upscale booty call.

          3. You have never seen him in the daytime

So, how long have you been dating a bat? Please tell me how that is working out for you. Any suggestion that involves a daylight activity results in a huge fight. I mean, who do you think you are asking for main chick privileges and you are not the main chick? Shame on you for not staying in your designated place.

2. You two run into some friends of his and you are introduced as his “friend”

This may be my favorite one yet. The dreaded “oh this is my home girl” introduction. So you and your man are visiting your local date spot when you hear someone call him by his name. You beam with joy because now you get to be introduced as his girl, or so you thought. You notice your man starts acting jittery and ignores his name being called. His friends approach him and you get hit with “oh… this umm… this is my friend, Sally.” So is this the new definition of friendship that allows you to sleep with someone and rarely get to be seen in public?  Silly side chick, titles are for main girls.

1.   You have yet to spend a holiday with him

This by far is the only sign you that you need to confirm you are the side chick. Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and you have already been told that he has to work and the 15^th y’all will do something nice. Really? So tell me oh naive one, when is the last time you spent a holiday with him? I want to know what job has you work every holiday but you magically get the day after off. So you get to celebrate January 2, February 15^th, July 5^th, Black Friday and December 26^th  and somehow you think that this is ok. My heart aches for you. You keep those dreams of main chick alive though, maybe one day.

   

---Jennifer