Yeah, I’m Pretty sure Jesus is judging you.

I have grown up in the church my entire life and understand and acknowledge the etiquette rules that it involves. Now, before I start my rant, please know that I am not, “super churcher” nor am I claiming to be. I love church, I love Jesus and I believe that you need both to live a happy life.  As a child, I was in every church program, choir, and activity there was. My mom made sure I knew my books of the bible and I understood who God was and what church really meant.  Well, when you are little, you know that if you’re not good in church, there are going to be consequences and repercussions when you get home that you DON’T want to deal with.

However,  once you become an adult, you begin to test the lines against what is allowed in church. Now some things you can get away with, however, some things are going to get you pushed to the back of the line in heaven.  I mean, we’ve all been there in some way shape or form of testing the church rules, but some of y’all need to be kicked out and told not to come back until you learn some manners.

 

5. Thou shall NOT show up to church in your club clothes.

This is self explanatory. If you were screaming, "TWERK TEAM" in the club on Saturday in that dress, don’t try to add some Bath and Body Work body spray  to hide the liquor smell then try ushering in it on Sunday.  And since we are on the subject of clothing, stop wearing clothes so tight I can see your heart beat. This is church, not the strip club. My mother always told me, "The Sun Shine Rule” which is, “if the sun doesn’t see it neither should I”.   Jesus sees you and I smell you. Don’t do this.

4. Hooked on Phonics didn’t really work that well for you. Sorry to hear that.

If reading really isn’t your strongest point in life, that’s ok. Just stop volunteering to read out loud during Sunday service. No, I’m not judging. I understand that reading isn’t the easiest thing to do at times but watching you sound out, “Choir rehearsal is Thursday at 7”and it somehow it sounds like, “chir hersal is Thirsty at seevem” is painful. Just stick to maybe only reading at home.

3. Stop asking for seconds during communion

This is a holy time in which we reverence God and what Jesus did for us. This is not an all you can eat buffet. You do not get to ask the usher if you can order a sandwich and a large drink since they seem to be handing out snacks. You also do not get “extra points” if you eat more than one serving. Stop giving the usher dirty looks when they say that you can only have one serving. Also stop asking why they don’t have more then bread and juice. Who raised you? Just know Jesus sees you and is probably judging you.   

2.  Its Praise and Worship, NOT American Idol auditions

You are standing up there, the lights are on you, and you are in the moment. Next thing you know, you’re pushing people out the way to stand in front to sing in the best voice you can, “Yes, Jesus Loves Me.”  You are singing loud and giving it your all thinking Jesus can clearly tell that he should love you more than the backup singers you have.  Ma’am, if you don’t take your overzealous behind ten steps back and join the rest of the praise singers... This is not an American Idol try out.  If you sing the loudest, you do not get to move to round 2. You do not get to move to the front of the line in heaven. This is Sunday morning service. Calm down quick, fast, and in a hurry.  You will however get judged by your fellow praise team with dirty looks and the possibility to get kicked out the group.  

1.       Stop making club songs into church songs!

This by far is the most disrespectful thing you can do and trust and believe Jesus and his crew is judging you hard core. Matter of fact, you now are being moved to the back of the line in heaven. We are talking the very end of the line.  Just because you added Jesus somewhere in the song DOES NOT MAKE IT A CHURCH SONG.  There is a reason everyone isn’t classified as a gospel artist. That’s because they don’t make gospel songs. There is no reason that the choir should be singing “I like big halo’s and I cannot lie, these other brothers can deny; when angels  walk in with a little bitty waist and a halo in your face you get sprung.” We should not be singing 50 Cent’s “Many Men” on Easter just because it fits with the situation at hand.  Ciara’s "Body Party" should not be turned into a offering song .  NO, stop it! You don’t hear rappers remixing  “Jesus loves me.”  That’s because it isn’t a rap song. So the rule is simple; if you hear it in the club it shouldn’t be in the church.

SO until we meet again, remember that it is not ok to turn church into the new club….. Stop it.

---Jennifer