Pet Peeves of the 30+ Crowd

This year I turned 31. Now, while that is great and all, it made me realize I'm no longer considered a "young adult.” Nope, now I'm just old. Heartbreaking, I know, but I'm ok. Now that I'm old, I think it's time I talk about some pet peeves of the 30+ crowd.

1.     Guest appearance on “To Catch a Predator.”

Stop dating people who are 8-10 years young than you. Ok I know people are going to say, “you can't help who fall in love with," but in actuality, you can. There should be no reason you’re 35 and your significant other is 24. Where could y’all have possibly met, the playground? I mean, they still have to use their parent’s information on their FAFSA. If the government doesn't think they are old enough to make decisions on their own, that's a good indication you shouldn't be dating them. Matter of you're not dating, you’re babysitting. So now you go out to dinner and the waitress ask you if you want a kids’ menu for your little sister and you have to explain that she's your date not your little sister. Now you look like a predator. There was a whole show for people like you called, "To Catch a Predator." It was very popular for a reason. So tell me what you two could possibly have in common? You are trying to watch HGTV trying to decorate your home and she's talking about how much she loves Dora the Explorer and how she hates how Swipper and his damn swiping habits.

2.     Say what now?

Stop using every new slang term. Sweet baby Jesus if this isn't the most annoying thing ever. I say "so what do you do for work?" You reply with "I be banging at trap house flipping the bando cus the shits on fleek.” Now I'm standing there looking confused and ready to fight because I'm not sure what you just said but I'm pretty sure you insulted my mama. Your vocabulary shouldn't sound like an unfinished puzzle on Wheel of Fortune when you’re trying to sound out the puzzle and buy a vowel. Clearly hooked on phonics wasn't your friend.

3.     Do you need a mirror?

Stop dressing like your auditioning for the strip club. Don’t get me wrong, if your profession is a lady of the night, then by all means do you, boo. However, if your job title is Administrative Assistant and you walk into work looking like you are about to drop it low while answering the phones, I am going to need you to go home and change. Yes, I am judging you and I can guarantee I’m not the only one. Since we are on the topic of dressing inappropriately, could men over the age of 3 please stop wearing skinny jeans? I’m just a tad concern for your health sir. Your clothing shouldn’t be so tight that you constantly look like you are about to pass out. 

3.You look like a science project

Can someone please tell me when these quick “lose weight” gimmicks became so popular? Did I miss the memo? Now, I am no skinty mini, I am a part of the plus size curvy crew so there is no shade in me writing this. I am just over seeing people walk around and  they look like a science project. Yep I said it; you look like a science project from the Magic School Bus TV show. I recently witnessed a friend trying to put on one of those Waist trainers things and that had to be the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. At one point, I was pretty sure that she was going to pass out. She was sweating, and cursing and had to lie down. Once she got it on she looked like a Chinese Finger trap. Then she had the nerve to say, “baby this waist is snatched.” Umm… No ma’am, it is not.   Anything that makes you want to pass out when you are putting it on isn’t a good thing. And that’s not the craziest thing I’ve seen either. Now people are wrapping themselves in saran wrap looking like BBQ left overs. The madness must stop. Hey ladies, here is a helpful tip. If you want your waist “snatched” and want a less giggle in your jangle, then maybe you should do things that naturally get you that way. Like going to the gym, eating right, and putting forth an effort to look better. Stop walking around looking like you are an extra in a Sci-Fi movie.

5. You named your baby what?

Ok, so I am not even sure where to begin on how the subject of baby names highly irritates me.  Not because I don’t like children, because I really do. Well, I like them until the age of 4 but that that subject is for another post. Anyways, I digress. Let us get back to the subject at hand.  Unacceptable baby names that somehow people think are cute.

Now, before y’all get ready to defend your baby’s name that only you can pronounce, let me state that I am not picking on your little “precious little darling.” Well, that’s a lie because I am. Even though I don’t have children of my own I believe that the name that you chose for your child has to go through an approval process. A grand jury process, for example. The rules would be simple. As soon as you found out you were going to have a baby, you would submit a list of name that you like and they would have to be voted on before you could name your baby said name. It would prevent naming children things like Laguna, Lasagna, Apple, Blue, Purple, Tapioca, Zyrtec, and so on. Please tell me at what point in the baby naming process did you think that naming your child after emotions, food and anything else tacky? Do you not know how bad it sounds to introduce your child in daycare as “little Hacienda” then they have to spend time explaining to their employers on how to pronounce their name and it ends up sounding like a game of Charades.

All I can say is Fix it Jesus.

-JT